THE NAG FACTOR
“The Stormtroopers came first in their white armor and then there was smoke and Darth Vader rose up from underneath the stage holding his light sabor and…” my Aunt recalled to a group of us about the live show she’d seen with her with her grandchildren at Disneyland. And exactly one of us was riveted.
My son Hudson. Three and a half.
Did she just say Dark Vader? Held a…a… light saver?
“Mom! tell her to talk again about the dark guy….”
“Aunt Shari, can you tell Hudson about Darth Vader’s entrance again?”
“Oh sure,” she said. “Actually I shot some of the show on my phone. I’ll show you.”
Ka’ching. Ka’ching. Ka’ching.
I don’t need to take my child to Disneyland or to the movies or to turn on the tv for them to fall prey to the all-powerful marketers that be. Thanks to Steve Jobs genius (that I “enjoy” every day) my kids, like your kids, are easier than ever to find. And me, as someone way out of the key demo, I’m merely a pawn whose job it is to do my kids’ bidding until they can do it themselves. That is, if they can amp up “the nag factor” high enough.
Which they have because it’s their business to make sure kids beg, plead and whine enough to convince their parents that this purchase is the key to their happiness. (I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that teams of psychologists are retained by these enormous corporations so they know just how to manipulate kids to manipulate their parents. Ethical! Fun!)
So while I’m sure thanks to a carefully-honed nag factor, many a light sabor and stormtrooper costume were purchased minutes after the exciting, smoke filled, light sabor beaming show, I never thought that their trip to Disneyland would result in me hitting “confirm order” for a Darth Vader mask on amazon.
Yes! I could have said “no”!
But my son loves himself some dress up. One day he’s a dog. Then a frog. Then Elvis. Dracula. A monkey. A knight. Spiderman. An astronaut. A lovebird. A rabbi. Even a frog dressed as Santa Claus. Some costumes he puts together with what we have around the house and some are bought on Amazon. By me.
When I started the amazon costume-purchasing thing, I didn’t quite realize I was opening a dangerously expensive and addicting door. I kind of felt the slippery slope but I didn’t focus on it.
But then Susan Linn focused me.
The day after Hudson learned who Darth Vader was and his mask was being shipped to our door via UPS, I happened to go hear Susan Linn, author of The Case For Make Believe (2012) and Consuming Kids (2004) at Pacific Oaks College in Pasadena. Her talk was called (I believe!) Commercializing Childhood: The Corporate Takeover of Kids’ Lives. It’s Susan Linn, the director and founder of the national coalition Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood that we all have to thank for getting Disney to admit that their claims that Baby Einstein made kids smarter were entirely false. That indeed they were running a highly profitable scam. And it was Susan who wouldn’t accept a plea bargain that settled for anything less than Disney offering a full refund. Thank you Susan Linn!
So Susan told us that back in 1983 (the good old days) American companies only spent 100 million dollars on what they call “the kid market.” Today they spend….
17 BILLION DOLLARS.
Why?
Because it’s well worth it. They get their profits back in spades.
Advertisers’ goal is nothing short of creating what they so endearingly call “cradle to casket” brand loyalty. Invading kids’ brains as early as possible is the key because you know, 
before 13 or some say 9, kids can’t contextualize what they’re seeing. They can’t be critical about it. So even if it is unethical to take advantage of their still developing brains, it’s not illegal! Here.
Yes, something so egregious is illegal in many countries. Just not in the United States of Capitalism at Any Cost.
Just fyi, the European Union has some guidelines for its member countries:
Advertising shall not cause moral or physical detriment to minors, and shall therefore comply with the following criteria for their protection:
a. it shall not directly exhort minors to buy a product or a service by exploiting their inexperience or credulity;
b. it shall not directly encourage minors to persuade their parents or others to purchase the goods or services being advertised;
c. it shall not exploit the special trust minors place in parents, teachers or other persons;
d. it shall not unreasonably show minors in dangerous situations
In addition:
e. Children’s programmes may only be interrupted if the scheduled duration is longer than 30 minutes
f. Product placement is not allowed in children’s programmes.
g. The Member States and the Commission should encourage audiovisual media service providers to develop codes of conduct regarding the advertising of certain foods in children’s programmes.
Here in the U.S. we have no such guidelines. Regulation, schemegulation. Here, it is up to us parents to micromanage everything they see and to just simply say no when they ask for everything under the sun.
“All of my friends have it!!!”
Who are we to go up against the carefully researched “nag factor” combined with 17 billion dollars combined with smartphones and smartwatches and smartheadrests in the car and video billboards that means screens are everywhere our kids look.
No generation of parents, Susan explained, has ever had it so tough.
Are we just totally fucked?
If it was only that our pocketbooks were being raided, that would be one thing. But something far more precious is being taken from our children when they truly believe that if they don’t have a particular toy or a particular character they will NEVER BE HAPPY. When they believe that pleasure comes from things, not from within us. They’re being sold a false promise of happiness.
And not only that!
Their natural desire for make believe play is being taken from them. When children’s play is so deeply influenced by clearly defined characters that follow a specific story line, they’re not working through their own stuff, they are enacting someone else’s.
Susan told us just why make believe play is so damned important for a a child’s emotional, social intelligence and health. She explained that it is through make believe that children
- Problem solve
- Think constructively
- Self-regulate
- Wrestle with life
- Make meaning of their world
So as I’m sure you can imagine I came home worked up.
And the next day, with my new resolve, I had a different response to Hudson’s “request” that I open my computer and buy him a “light saver.”
I told him I wasn’t going to buy it right now. And then I winced as he dove headfirst into begging, crying, writhing, kicking and screaming.
God help the mother up against the nag factor.
I tried so hard to remind myself that He doesn’t neeeeed it. He can enjoy playing without it. Material objects don’t buy happiness. Relationships, time, attention, imagination do.
More Begging. Pleading. Crying. Rolling around. Kicking.
Fuck, it’s only a lightsaber. It’s not like he’s ever seen the movies, so his play is still his own. Oh God how long is this going to go on? What can I do? What should I do?
And then, I had an idea.
“Would you like to go make a light sabor right now?”
On a dime the writhing stopped.
“Huh?”
My heart raced. Was this gonna work?
“Let’s go downstairs and get some foil. We’ll also need some toilet paper holders. And some tape”
Minutes later he was telling me where to cut the foil because lightsabers aren’t as long as I think they are.
And then he was gone.
In the backyard. Happy. Doing stuff with his lightsaber that George Lucas never could have dreamed of.
And really who needs the money more, me, Matel or George?
Meeeeeee!
And yes, I’ll still buy him stuff. But we can make stuff. And he can make stuff. And he can see his joy isn’t dependent on the shape of some plastic that is covering his head.
I hope.
I avoid Toys R Us at all costs. Nearly everything there is licensed material. Yuck. There are still some great local toy stores around that don’t carry that junk. For anyone living in Los Angeles, especially the San Fernando Valley, Karen’s Toys is awesome. Lots of creative play stuff. We also have what my daughter calls a “maker box” where I put interesting containers or other recyclables, old toy parts, etc. She just delves in and makes her own wands, robots, or yes, even guns, although I’m not sure she knows exactly what one is. It’s great when she hasn’t checked the box for a while and discovers a new item in there. Another man’s trash, after all.
I also try to avoid commercials (hooray for pbs) and their tv time is very limited. Because of that blessed “credulity,” they also believe Mommy when she tells them that these advertisers are just trying to get them to buy a bunch of junk they don’t need.
Just an editing note – “sabor” is Español for “flavour,” while a sabre/saber is a type of sword, hence, “light saber”
Glad to see a happy ending… Making stuff for oneself is always so much more rewarding than buying foreign-made mass-produced junk.
love this post and your whole blog!! my girl is 19 months old and we live in san francisco among a whole lotta other parents/guardians who are anti-corporate brainwashing, so i like to believe that the road will be slightly easier, but that is probably bullshit.
thanks leyla. i’m so glad you found me and appreciate the kind words and support. i do hope it will be easier for you. it usually is if you’re surrounded by semi-like minded people.
Hi Jennifer,
I’ve decided that it’s really important for my kids to be educated about the things that influence them. When they see an ad for something, we have a discussion about why the company would put the ad on, what they are trying to do etc, the power it has. For example, we talked about the Lego magazine. My kids were intrigued about the idea that the company would send you a magazine for “free”. It was fun to point out to each other, “see how it’s working! They really want to you to buy something. You’re even asking for it!” We talk about product placement, too, as well as photoshop and that the women in the magazines don’t really look like that. This subtle and not so subtle power of advertising is a much bigger problem than we realize.
Thanks for pointing out this issue. (I read some fantastic stuff about the power of advertising in Brene Brown’s book about shame, “I Thought It Was Just Me”. Every woman should read it!!)
hey sarah,
thanks so much for sharing the specifics of how you got about educating your kids. very helpful. i love the dialogue you’ve started with your kids.
and i’m definitely gonna buy the book. i appreciate the recommendation.
jennifer
[...] The Nag Factor :: “Good Job” and Other Things You Shouldn’t Say or Do [...]
thanks so much ahimsa mama for sharing the link. much appreciated!
for those interested in her site: ahimsamama.com/2012/02/weekend-links-part-2/
184.168.193.200
“Here, it is up to us parents to micromanage everything they see…
I’m a bit confused. If a parent choosing what their kids view is micromanaging, would not a government choosing what every kid sees even more so? Sure, you don’t always know what’s going to popup on a commercial or TV show, but you can learn as you go and limit their viewing both in time and what shows. “Micromanaging…” that’s like a store manager complaining to the CEO that they are given to much responsibility over their individual store and are asked to “micromanage” things.
…and to just simply say no when they ask for everything under the sun.
Yes, sounds about right. Sounds like parenting to me.
The thing is, you refute your own argument for the government stepping in and doing something. You faced a challenge and found a creative way to tackle it, and both you and your child learned something in the process. While I don’t like commercialism, it does exist in our society, and it is better to equip them to deal with it now than when they are older. I think it’s good for a kid to be told “no” when they ask for a certain toy and learn that they can’t get what they want all the time, or even think of a homemade creative alternative.
You talk about this “nag factor” and how it continually tries to make us unhappy, but it will be there in one form or another try as we might. I think the best way to tackle the nag factor is to learn to be happy in spite of it by teaching our kids now that they can’t have everything they want.
hey chance, i love your metaphor of how micromanaging is like a manager complaining to a ceo.
as i point out in the piece, in many other counties there are guidlines that the “ceo” / government sets forth regarding what is appropriate advertisting to youth. the first one is: it shall not directly exhort minors to buy a product or a service by exploiting their inexperience or credulity; now because our country does not regulate this at all, we, unlike those parents in other countries can leave the room when the tv is on and not worry that something is going to be so egregious, they know it won’t. here we have to. and i am for regulation. yes, i’m for free speech, but believe in regulation. i love it that in other countries a children’s program can’t be interrupted before 30 minutes. here a commercial that “directly exhort minors to buy a product or a service by exploiting their inexperience or credulity” happens every four minutes.
and so it is up to us to be hyper vigilant. perhaps micromanage is the wrong word.
the main point of my post is that for the VERY FIRST TIME IN HISTORY OF THE WORLD parents are up against incredible odds. we have 17 billion dollars worth of advertisting aimed at our kids. we have iphones and screens everywhere our kids look. and so it’s increasingly difficult to “just be creative.” but i intend to be!
pbs.com is fantastic because u can watch mr. rogers episodes without an interruptions!
i appreciate you reading the piece and writing in.
and i agree with your last line…also susan linn’s point and mine! thank u!!
I really appreciate reading your thoughts on this subject. It is a concern very close to my heart. I have some rather strict rules on commercialized toys, books, and videos for our 3 and 2 year olds. It isn’t something I can really succinctly describe to our extended family, so I have had to let it go and let them think I’m a crazy control freak, ignoring my kids’ happiness.
The way I see it, marketing takes perfectly happy kids and tells them, “you don’t have enough! You can’t be happy until you have more!” and they spend so much money to figure out how to destroy that natural happiness and contentment!
It makes me so sad that my boys are entranced by the ‘goofy looking tow truck’. Cars wasn’t a horrible movie in and of itself (though not great at all), but everything attached to it is such low quality drivel, and they try everything to get kids to fall in love and want every piece of plastic or food-like-product to which they can attach the characters.
Love your post Jennifer! It is exactly how I feel about commercialism here in Australia an the nagging in my family. I believe that the same lack of regulation is here also – definitely amazing that in the EU it is so vastly different to us. Australia has followed the USA’s lead in almost everything, which I believe is sad, when it comes to issues such as health, marketing, medication, obesity, education, parenting, birth. How we drifted do much from our ancestors in such a short time is insanity, wouldn’t you say? Well I would
) x
Thank you Toni.
So sorry to hear Australia follows the US’s lead. It’s so depressing.
I appreciate you writing in and reading the blog.
Best,
Jennifer
For sure, make your own costumes/props or, instead of buying name brand (e.g. Disney) costumes on Amazon, buy similar costumes from independent creators on Etsy.
Great post,, Jennifer! My kids didn’t watch any TV until they were pver 3, but that didn’t stop them from talking about Star Wars & Superman & princesses. It’s as if by osmosis this stuff appears in their brains! But I’m like you, if they want to be a super hero I would rather it be home made or a “generic” brand where they can use their own imaginations.
It’s tough, but it’s up to us parents to create boundaries and stick to it…even when it would be easier to escape the nagging by pressing “buy” on that light saber.
Love the post!
-Gina
thank you gina. and thanks for sharing it. xo
I was at that talk too! And was overcome with a feeling of hopelessness at its conclusion. Thank you for offering a happy ending!
At 16 months we haven’t gotten to the ‘nag factor’ yet but just today we were in a big grocery store, similar to Target, and I was going up and down the toy aisles looking for wood blocks, which, strangely, they didn’t have. For the first time, Lala sat straight up in her stroller, looking around and pointing at stuff that she ‘wanted.’ She doesn’t do this in the produce section, by the meat or even in the cookie aisle!
We’re not going to completely avoid all commercial toys and games but, like you, I’m hoping that by offering more creative, open ended materials she’ll learn to prefer those.
hey pam!
honestly i so rarely take my kids to target. some friends buy them one thing every time. so tell them there’s gonna be no buying on the trip, just getting the stuff they need. but to me it is soo overwhelming and i imagine it is for them too. i buy 99% of their stuff online. lakeshore learning has great blocks. and the soft kind too.
great to hear from you.
ox